I’m sure each of you have your own cosmetic daily cleansing routine, and that’s great….. you don’t want to hear any more….but hold on, isn’t that a copy of Cover Girl over there in your purse?!
I can assure you that none of you have ever heard of this unique and refreshing approach to your all important daily routine, but I gotta tell you, this one wins HANDS DOWN!
I guarantee you this is going to be the biggest revelation in the history of skin and facial cleansing…as you know the best things in life always take time to surface and here it is. This is you’re lucky day. Your friends will never guess the reason for how you achieved this radiating pure glow of ultimate skin freshness. You’re going to look better than all of those computer generated photo-shopped images that invade your living room, urging you to part with your cash, and buy into that dream, because it’s got to be worth it!
But those days are gone! That’s all a thing of the past. That’s sooooo last year.
You’ve got to understand this is it, this is the real deal, and it’s worked for me for years. I don’t use anything else.
72% pure, beautiful, aromatic, delicious cocoa.
It’s the only way to achieve skin as soft and smooth as a baby’s bottom.
Here’s how you do it. DO NOT skip any of these all important steps otherwise you will not achieve what you so desire… PERFECTION!
1) Shave off all your hair. Don’t forget your eyebrows. Who needs them anyway? They’re just like irrelevant caterpillars crawling around your forehead.
2) Now some of you might not be ready for all out complete perfection…YET! It’s a leap of faith that I know some of you might feel that you’re not ready to take but, in time I know, once you start to get into it, when you start seeing your friends all staring at you and asking the same questions over and over “why do YOU look so beautiful?” “what is YOUR secret?”, you’ll reply “Because I no longer use 54%… I use 72!”
3) For years those beautiful Swedish people have been taking saunas and dunking their bodies into ice baths, to work their gorgeous skin pores to the MAX! You can imagine their first ever ice bath must have been excruciatingly painful, but when they turned their heads to look at their beautiful friends, just chillin’ next to them, they knew that pain was nothing but an ugly word!
From now on, they won’t just be beautiful…they’ll be perfect! Here’s my next step to attaining a perfect 10.
Grab a bag of frozen (yes I said FROZEN) garden peas and place it on your head, gently massaging it into your scalp to work your skin pores by contracting them. Make sure it’s garden peas you’re using and not sweetcorn, I’ve seen some catastrophic results with sweetcorn because THEY ARE NOT ROUND and do not compare to the massaging effects of spheres. When you sit on a bean bag, trust me, you want those beans in that bag to be round!
4) Place the cocoa in a glass bowl over some simmering hot water and stir until it melts, while still keeping the frozen peas balanced on your head. This will not only improve your posture but it will increase the tension in your lower chin, to tone and firm that gorgeous jaw line you’ve always wanted.
5) Meanwhile, cut out a thin strip of card and tape it cross your forehead, making sure that you stretch out any lines just above where your eyebrows used to be. Trust me this is better than botox!
6) Once the cocoa has melted, it sets off a chain reaction starting with the release of millions of cocoa particles, carrying soothing and relaxing aromas which will awaken your senses and start your journey, to radiating out the true luminosity of youth. Once the aromas have been released, allow the cocoa to cool just above room temperature. Remember, health and safety people, check that the cocoa has cooled to room temperature with a thermometer, before sticking your finger in it. Boiling water and cocoa is no joke now people. Cocoa can burn! Remember safety comes first before ultimate beauty!
7) Now I don’t want you to eat the cocoa, that would be stupid and pointless, as all you will be doing is engaging in some kind of chocolate addiction ritual, if you don’t secretly already have one.
For this next step you will need an extra pair of hands.
When you are ready, quickly take off the frozen bag of peas that has been on your head for the last 5 minutes (for those of you who couldn’t take the pain and wrapped the peas in a towel, don’t worry, just think of all those beautiful Swedish people who currently look more beautiful than you, one day that towel will come off!) Next immediately pour the melted cocoa on your head and spread evenly with the back of a spoon. What you will experience next is just out of this world, as your contracted (from iced peas) skin pores slightly open suddenly, as you feel the sweet aromatic cocoa pouring onto your head, setting as it goes.
Remember to keep smiling during this process in order to induce the release of endorphins, even if you do get chocolate on your top.
8) HOT TIP: Now one of my biggest hair salon secrets of all time I learned from a movie about a chocolate factory, you do not want to miss this!
Use a hair drier on it’s coolest and lowest output setting and steadily spread the silky cocoa with a waving wrist motion across your head. This will ensure the ultimate in even coverage, and it FEELS SO GOOD!
9) NOTE: Radiators are the enemy at this stage. Stay away, you have been warned.
10) However, air conditioning units on the other hand help to firmly set any moisturising cocoa which is still a bit runny, into your now naturally softened skin. Please note, hypothermia must be avoided, no matter how desperate your desire is to reach the pinnacle of natural beauty.
11) Next remove the taped card from your forehead to allow the skin to breath and lightly apply a sprinkled coating of exfoliating beads of sugar, proven to energise your scalp with a high dose of dextrose energy, essential for reaching that glimmering afterglow (an ideal preparation for any social occasion involving HD cameras).
12) To regenerate your eyebrow root follicles, (we don’t want to forget about these guys!) Carefully glide a dipped pencil into the cocoa and with a gentle hand motion, lightly brush strokes across where they once were. Be sure not to exaggerate these as it may lead to you looking like an idiot.
13) Once the cocoa has been left to firmly set on your head for 7 and 1/2 hours (take half an hour lunch), you will find your skin to be nourished and full of youthful vitality. This will give you immeasurable self confidence in any public situation, making even the most stunning of super models green with envy while you’re stood next to them, let alone when you walk in the room. Can you imagine what they’ll say when they see you!? Finally peel off pieces of your cocoa skin therapy treatment from your head and enjoy eating your very own home made Easter egg.
Please share this until now secret and revolutionary skincare tip with your family and friends as a gesture of your love.
HAPPY EASTER! XX